Facing the Issue: Infertility

Becky's Story

We read and consider the bigger events and happenings in the media every day. But it is the small events of our own lives that challenge us individually and most often. The little choices we make affect our lives. When the things we take for granted do not happen then the frustrations can be very hard to bear. And there is nothing more natural than the desire of a woman to have a child.

I married Ian in 1986. We were both in our early 20's and over the next two years we settled down to married life. We had the usual expectations of increasing mortgages, bigger houses, advancing salaries and of course a family. Our Christian faith was also expressed through involvement in the local church. Our plans progressed well. Within two years we had moved to a bigger house in a nicer area that had a good sized third bedroom. Ian gained a promotion at work that secured his job and I now worked nearer home. Only one thing was missing, I was not pregnant.

At first it did not seem to be a problem, just a matter of time. But the more it did not happen, the more I wanted a baby. We both wanted to start a family. We tried to conceive for about 12 months before I took my problem to my GP. I was soon diagnosed with endometriosis, which in my case caused very painful periods and probably led to my inability to conceive. I say 'probably' because nobody has ever been able to confirm what has caused my problems.

At least now we had some hope. If we knew the problem, we could treat it. Couldn't we? I had various drug treatments to reduce the endometriosis and then further drugs to stimulate my ovaries. But still I could not become pregnant. Maybe it was time to take my life off hold and do something else instead. So I began training as an NHS Personnel Manager. This caused an unforeseen dilemma with the consultant treating my infertility. He decided that whilst I was struggling with my training course I was not committed to wanting a baby. He suggested a more invasive treatment that I did not want to take. This reinforced his view. So now I felt guilty. Was I right to try and pursue an NHS career if it detracted from my desire to have a child?

Whilst I was not getting pregnant, my friends at church were. We had maintained contact with a number of university friends who were also experiencing the joys of childbirth. My frustrations increased every time I saw them. Churches are wonderful places for families. There are few other places were families can meet and relax in the same way. But I would often leave in tears. Our pastor did not help when he announced one Sunday morning that you were not really a family unless you had children. Of course everyone was sympathetic to the couple who did not have children yet. But they did not really understand what I was going through. I did not understand why we had to go through this. I got very angry with God. It did not seem fair. Having a child seemed to be more remote the more I wanted one. I felt that life was ruled by my body and its inability to do what it should.

I completed the training scheme. One pressure at least was out of the way. Ian and I decided to try Artificial Insemination by Husband (AIH) at our local private hospital. The procedure is a few steps down the scale from test tube baby treatments but it is no less traumatic when you wait for the results. The treatment course was for six attempts based around my egg cycle. I can remember my husband driving me to the hospital for one of my injections at midnight because that was felt to be the best time. It was like an emotional roller coaster. I would go for pre injections and scans, Ian would donate sperm and I was then inseminated with his sperm at the most fertile point of my cycle.

Each time we tried the expectation was still there. The sense of disappointment was beginning to recede after the fourth failure. Maybe we were not meant to have our own children? Maybe we should consider adoption instead? Perhaps God wanted us to look after other children? The fifth treatment had also been unsuccessful. Before our sixth and last treatment we had decided to look more seriously at adoption. We both found that decision hard to take as we had not really accepted that we were not going to have our own child.

Our planning was simple and straight forward as usual. We went through with the sixth treatment, concluded it had not worked, posted an adoption application form to Dudley Social Services and went off on holiday to France with my parents. Our plan was to use the holiday to forget about the fertility treatment and concentrate on the adoption procedure. Our logic was perfect and felt right. The days leading up to our holiday were very hot. The probability of the sixth treatment working was even lower than usual. I had regularly not conceived for six years. What could be different now?

It was hot in France as well! I felt unwell for most of the holiday and was glad to get back. The day after our return Ian decided to cut down the bushes in the front garden. It was a perfect opportunity for me to just check that the last treatment really had not worked. Except it had. To this day Ian assures me if he closes his eyes he can still remember me announcing I was pregnant whist he held a pair of garden shears outside our front door.

My pregnancy was very closely monitored initially at the private hospital where I was scanned at 8 and 12 weeks. I spent those initial 12 weeks taking life very quietly. I wanted nothing to go wrong with this long awaited pregnancy. We then relaxed and I blossomed. Josh was born on 2 March 1993. He is the best son I could have wished for and now is a very typical 11 year old. God had tested us but led us through. It was as though by letting go of the possibility of having children we got to the point where the only way to conceive was by a miracle. That miracle then happened.

We were very thankful for Josh and felt at last like a 'real' family - I could enjoy Mother's Day instead of trying to escape. I could visit my friends and take part in all the 'baby' talk. Babies born by fertility procedure are known as 'precious' babies, a very apt description because the parents have usually had to fight years of trauma to have something that is a natural for most.

However that is not the end of our story. Another six years on we decided to try the treatments again. This time it was not so traumatic. However my endometriosis had returned and the chances of success were just as slim. This time I had to make arrangements for my son when I had my treatment and had to cope with the drug treatments and a lively 6 year old. I was allowed six treatments but this time there was no precious baby at the end of the process. We decided God was leading us in a different direction this time, one he had suggested to us six years ago.

We decided to look at the option of adopting again. We re-started the assessment process in the spring of 1999 and worked our way through three months of interviews to decide on our suitability to adopt. The procedure is not easy and the interviews are intrusive. But we were accepted as prospective adopters in June 1999. Less than one month later our link social worker asked us to consider a 21 month old girl.

We saw a video of Sarah, were provided with background information and made the decision to meet her. We were matched with her just before we went on holiday in August 1999. We came back from our two weeks away to decorate her bedroom and get kitted out for a little girl. Our introductory period took place in September and she joined our family at the end of the month. Where Josh took six years to arrive Sarah jumped into our family in eight months. This is almost unheard of and left us feeling that it was meant to be.

Sarah has completed our family. She is a challenge and has enriched us. At the end of a particularly trying day with her, I question myself but in my saner moments would not be without either Josh or Sarah.

The process tested our faith but has strengthened it - we worship as a family at our local Anglican church and are very involved in the life of that community. Life still has its ups and downs but we are very thankful for our family and enjoy watching them grow up and become increasingly independent.