Facing the Issue: Divorce

JENNY'S STORY

Like many teenage girls, I dreamed of the day when I would have a loving husband, a nice home and a happy family of my own.

By the age of 23 my dreams were coming true; I was married to a very lively, fun person, who was totally devoted to me. We had a little council house and our first baby son. I had completed my nurse training and was able to work nights and bring in some desperately needed extra cash for the bills.

We settled in to our friendly neighbourhood, a small council estate in a rural village. The dads would get together with the children after work and play football on the school field, while the mums prepared drinks and shared the latest gossip!
Sundays were special, often eight or ten children from the street would walk to chapel with us, then in the summer we would often take them to the farm or the beach to run around and enjoy some games, or have a picnic.

I have been a Christian since I was about eight years old, I can still remember the club leader who challenged me: Did I just believe about Jesus, or did I really belong to him? That night I prayed to ask Jesus to forgive me for the wrong things I had done, and accept me as one of his own children.

For a while I really believed my husband when he said he shared my faith. He certainly said and did the right things, but looking back now I can see he was just trying to please me.

Our marriage rapidly became a roller-coaster of high days followed by deep crises as I soon discovered my devoted loving husband could change in moments to a violent and manipulative alcoholic. There followed years of violence, deceit and debt. Attempts to 'dry' him out in hospital all failed. No job lasted more than a few months.

There followed years of hard work, bringing up three children, working night-duty at the same time to try to pay the bills, then finding many more debts I did not know about. We lived on the cheapest food possible and vegetables from the garden. There was no money for treats or holidays. We were so fortunate that the chapel 'family' were so supportive. Second-hand clothes and toys were given to us and we never went hungry or cold. I really believe that God looked after us.

By the time our eldest son started secondary school, it seemed that my prayers were answered. We had enjoyed three years of relative tranquillity. My husband had settled in a good job, we had paid off a lot of our debts and I was sure that our relationship was strong. One day we heard that a close friend had been deserted by her husband. We were both deeply distressed and discussed this at length. We were both convinced that this could never happen to us ... We had been through so much together!

A few weeks later, I was driving home from work after a night shift. The early dawn sun was rising with terrific streaks of colour across the sky. I was looking forward to being home with my family, at last there were no dark clouds over my life, a favourite song was on the radio, I sang at the top of my voice as I drove along. (Well, no one could hear me!)

The very next evening my husband did not arrive home from work. He rang to say he did not love me. The following weekend I found he was staying with relatives with another girl!

I was stunned, devastated, shaken to the very core of my being. Nothing could have been further from my mind. I really believed that this could not happen to us.

I could not eat, food tasted like cardboard. I could not sleep; I just cried and cried all night. I tried ringing everyone he knew to make sense of what was happening. I drove up and down the motorway for some mad reason, thinking I might see his car. I discovered unpaid bills and huge debts I did not know about. And bottles in the attic! Over the next two weeks I lost two stone in weight. My overwhelming emotion was one of complete disbelief.

As things developed, I went through moments of total despair. One of the toughest things was facing the fact that he was giving love to someone else, when he was mine. At times I really believed it would have been easier if he had died. I was suffering all the symptoms of grief, but he was still alive and coming back into my life when it suited him to cause further anguish. The betrayal was so hard to cope with.

Sometimes I frightened myself with the intensity of my feelings. I had never before experienced such anger, what I would do to HER if I got hold of her! This just was not me, I am gentle and will put up with anything ... usually ...

For months I fought to save our marriage. I tried to blame myself. On the rare occasions when I had an address for him, I would write, asking for his forgiveness, pleading for him to tell me what I had done wrong. (To which, he answered 'nothing')

My self-esteem plummeted; I thought I was unlovable and unattractive. I was adamant that I would not agree to divorce; I had married for life, I meant my vows and I was determined to still carry on loving.

Despite everything, it gradually became obvious that there was not going to be any chance of reconciliation.

During the next four years I began to accept the situation and move on in my life. My children were the focus of my love and attention. There were still many very painful incidents with their dad, but I eventually accepted that he had made divorce the only option.

This all happened fourteen years ago, I am now very happily married again. The agony and heartbreak is a receding memory. Looking back I can begin to trace God's loving guidance through the trauma. I believe God has taught me many valuable lessons, and I am now a much stronger and happier Christian.

There were times when I felt totally perplexed when God did not seem to answer my desperate prayers in times of absolute heartbreak and despair.

At the time I was convinced that there was no way I could ever truly follow Jesus' teaching and 'love' and pray for those who were causing so much pain. Now I can begin to see that it is possible. The passage of time helps us to see events from a broader perspective, perhaps closer to God's much more complete view of the situation?

If only we could accept that God can see these things, at the very time when we feel like we are buried in the fog of desperate circumstances. We can not 'see' what is really happening in the larger picture, we must learn to trust our loving God who can!

There have been 'ups and downs' in my relationship with Jesus, but at 46 years old I can still say with absolute conviction that I know I belong to Jesus and he has never let me down.